Safe Haven Sober Living

If you are someone who is dealing with a family member addicted to drugs, this is for you.

There are so many reasons people get addicted to drugs. The addiction loop, one of the most destructive processes in the world, includes feelings like shame and guilt that cause a person to repeat the process over and over again. They get high or drunk, they feel guilt or shame that they did it, so they get high or drunk again. This process continues until the pain of the addiction is more than the pain of staying sober. The effects of addiction on the family can be one of the most difficult things a person has to go through and could take years away from someone”s life. Usually the addict knows this, which causes even more guilt and shame and makes them enter the addiction loop once again.

So how do you deal with this as a family member?

We usually want to get involved, by giving them money, a place to stay, words of encouragement and trying to control the person so that they stop doing drugs, but this is not the way. The more we try to change the person’s actions, the less effect we will have.

Here are lessons for family members dealing with a drug addict.

Accept the situation

When a family member is addicted to drugs, we cant believe it. We resist the situation because it causes so much harm. We lash out on them. We get angry because we don’t want to deal with this irrational behavior. The world is chaos, and so is the actions of an addict. Accept it. Once we accept the situation, we are better equipped to deal with it in the present with a more aware, open and loving mind and heart.

Don’t take it personal

In the mind of an addict, the only thing that matters is getting high. So your feelings do not matter. When they lie, steal and talk crazy to you, you take it personal. You say “how could this person do this to me”. But that person is doing it to everyone. It has nothing to do with you. Stop making it about you. The addict is feeling unloved, insecure and is following their addiction. Don’t take their actions personal.

Set boundaries and communicate them

When a family member or close friend is addicted to drugs, tell them “I cannot be involved in this, I am here to help you, I love you, but I will not enable this behavior.” The longer you try to figure out why they are doing something or try to stop them from doing something, the more you prolong the healing process. Let them go. The addict must figure out on his/her own that in order to have your relationship in their life, they must be sober. Show them you are there for them emotionally, create an open, loving space for communication regardless of how they act. If they don’t want it, create the space anyway. That is what unconditional love is. If you only create a loving, open environment for communication with them when they are sober and positive, that is not unconditional love.

Do not argue with them

This is the most important of all. We cause so much stress in our own lives fighting useless battles. Addicts like to play emotional manipulation games. They will spin every word, every situation to make themselves the victim and make you feel like you are wrong. You are not wrong. Arguing with them about this is a losing game. By the end of the argument, you will feel like crap and you will feel used. The only way to win is to not play.

Do not judge them

Addicts are usually very sensitive and reactive. When they feel like they are being judged for their drug use, they will do more drugs to numb the pain. They know they have a problem, they just don’t want to deal with the problem head on. It should be mutually understood by both parties that there is a problem, without saying words. Accept that the person has a problem and love them anyway. When they see that you are loving them, and not fighting with them even when they are on drugs, they may get a glimpse of the feelings and people they could have more in their life if they stop their behavior. Also, safe places for drug addicts are important. If an addict does not feel safe, they will never open up to you or to face their own issues. The more you judge and scold them for their actions, the more you are reinforcing the low self-esteem they already have.

Love from a distance

Once the person is addicted to drugs and it is having negative repercussions on your life, financially, emotionally and every other type of way, you need to cut them off completely. If they are living in your house, tell them they need to go. If you are giving them money, don’t. If they need a ride to rehab, give it to them. Be there for them, but do not allow yourself to get caught up in their emotional mind games and use you. You will always love them, but you do not have to allow them to use you. Take control over the situation. Write down what you can do for them without it impeding on your health, finances and well-being.

It is not your problem

Don’t take on their problems completely. As family, it can be tempting to come in as the hero, pay their debts, and do things to help them. The more you do that, the more you take on their life, but it is not your life. We do all these things because we want our family to be close and we love them, but it is enabling them to keep avoiding responsibilities. Draw boundaries. By not stepping in, it causes them to eventually realize that they are the only one who can fix their situation.

Live your life regardless

We tend to put our lives on hold for the other person. We stay sad until they are doing better. When they are happy, we are happy. What if they never get better? Will you stay sad forever? Realize their actions are not under your control. Live your life, love them, support them when they need it, tell them you are there for them if they want to talk, but do not throw away your life for them.

Dealing with a family member addicted to drugs could be one of the most confusing, depressing things someone has to go through. It can cause years of depression, and stagnation. We try to figure out why but the answer is never found. The addiction does not make sense. It is irrational. That is why it is an addiction. Accepting the situation is the only option and dealing with it as it comes. The more you try to control the situation, the worse it will be, I promise. Let go and love them anyway.